I went to church again this morning. It has been long overdue. I have been out of my church garden for quite sometime. There was a surprise in store for us - our preacher was not there, but we had a great sermon regardless. I really enjoyed being back "home".

This afternoon, Jaci and I got into a big argument. I think the children should be able to do their chores without continuous hounding. I went into the girl’s room, and it was horrible - once again, clothes stacked 2 feet high in numerous piles. Since I was already feeling bad, it struck a raw nerve with me and I started fussing. Jaci said some horrible things. I try to please everyone even though realistically I know that is not going to happen. However, I have to watch who I say "my kids" to, who I say "the kids" to, who I say "my family" to. Today Jaci says that I don't consider them family because of my wrong choice wirds. HELLO? After a long argument, she told me that I said "the kids" when Orchid was here and therefore I don't think of them as my family. Ok, so I am darned if I do, and damed if I don't. How in the world am I supposed to cover all my bases and not hurt SOMEONE? I just don't get it and frankly I am tired of even trying. I love everyone and I am tired of feelers hanging on sleeves. Then she has the audacity when I go out and slam the door to scream at me "that is right, walk off just like everyone else in our lives has..." UGH!

Ok, so then I went out in the distant garden to play after that... this garden is in Chauvin (SHOW-van) and my good friend Morning Glory was there. She got a computer (YES!) and I had to show her how to use it – well at least show her how to read my e-mails. I am so glad I can share with her again. The Chauvin garden is truly south Louisiana – long meandering bayous, wonderful mossy cypress trees, and huge mosquitoes. I am sure those little rascals are good for something, but I wish they would leave my blood alone! I had a wonderful, stress-free rest of the evening. It is so much like being with family again when Morning Glory and I are together. We can cut up and laugh and love – unconditionally. Where oh where have those times gone with my own family? Everyone has their own lives and we have ours. *sigh*

The garden is glowing this evening… the moonlight spilling on the garden, making it alive with thoughts and whisperings. If I listen closely – I will hear the answers…

Pardon me while I enjoy the moondust and breezes.

Cajunsis

The sun is brighter today in our garden

Rycon called, he is in better spirits though still in pain. Dahlia seems to be in better spirits today and feeling better as well. I hope this is an answer to our prayers and she continues to thrive in the garden of God's miracles.

I made the princess a Pebbles costume today. She is such a delight to be around. I remember when our own children were young how much I enjoyed them - truly as much as I enjoy her. I look at her now try to see in her future. What does it hold and who will she become? I hope she comes to know the God that I know and loves everything that He has given us - all the beauty in His garden to soak in and enjoy. I hope she becomes a girl passionate for others and has the tenderness care for the fragile parts of the garden. She is truly one of my blessings.

I am better today; I have once again shaken the mist - optimism is on the horizon; both in my family garden and my maritial garden. Grands told me when we first got married, "Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have, you both have to work to make it thrive." I asked Red last night if it was worth working for; he agreed it is. We will work on it ~ together ~ from this day forward.

JG has controlled my life since I was a child. Today I decided he will no longer be allowed to control me. I am an adult now; he is dead - and he can no longer hurt me. I will learn this - even if I have to say it over and over every day. He will not break up my marriage. He is SO not worth it. I wished I had realized this years ago. It owed so much more to my husband and our marriage.

My garden is growing again today - God has given me new seeds of hope and my vision is once again focused. We will be ok.

Cajunsis

They just called and said Dahlia (Rycon’s passenger) has developed lung embolisms. It is very serious – she is still in ICU and not is stable enough to transport to another hospital. I am so worried about her, please put her on every prayer list you know of.

Rycon has 2 compressed discs and a fractured vertebrae in his lower back causing his pain. He was given prescriptions for an anti-inflammatory and pain medication but there is nothing else they can do - only time will heal it. He was again released from the hospital. He is not allowed to lift anything or twist his back. The Dr said that there is no way they could have missed this at hospital #1 – IF they took an x-ray – the compressions are very obvious. Rycon remembers very little of what happened at hospital #1, so he is not sure what they did there – other than a CAT scan of his head. Hopefully the meds will relieve his pain so he can help out with Dahlia and her family.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Cajunsis

Prayers needed please

I cannot even discuss the defeat I feal right now. God will answer prayers - so please continuously pray for our family. Our garden has been hit by a hail storm.

Cajunis

I found the article :-(

Warning: NOT for the squimish

I just found a link for the accident:
http://www.maderatribune.com/news/newsview.asp?c=129243
If you click on the picture, you can see it up close, but it nauseated me. Maybe because it is my sons car and passenger.

Dahlia is hospitalized with a dislocated hip, broken ribs, collapsed lung and liver contusions. She needs lots of prayers.

Rycon is so worried. He has a busted up face and his back is hurting, too, but he is worried about Dahlia.

Thanks again for your prayers. We still have a ways to go, but we are on the way. We are lucky they even survived as you can see.

Ok, I am too upset to talk. Pray for me too. I am loosing my determination and bright outlook. Defeat is knocking on the door. Off to say my own prayers.

************************************
Cajunsis

Rycon's accident

Rycon was involved in a serious car accident in California. He was with a friend. Both were taken to different hospitals, Rycon in Madera Community Hospital – don’t know where she is. We do not know if they are ok, but Jeremy’s back is hurting horribly, busted nose and lip, can’t talk, and Dahlia was not wearing a seat belt. She had to be cut out of the car.

I cannot talk right now. I need to find out if he is ok, but I appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

**************************
We just spoke with a Dr that was willing to talk (STUPID privacy act!) and he said Jeremy has been released from the hospital :-) He is in a lot of pain, but his back x-ray came back negative, and his cat scan is ok. His face has major bruising with cuts and scrapes, but he will heal. His car was totaled – rolled and hit a phone pole.

A friend of his (Dahlia’s husband) is on his way to pick him up and then go to the other hospital and check on Dahlia. He has to drive by the hospital Rycon is at to go to Dahlia. Rycon is not very coherent, but the Dr assures us he will be fine. Thank you for all of your prayers for Rycon – don’t forget your prayer of thanksgiving for him. Please continue to pray for Dahlia – we still don’t know about her.

Thanks again for your prayers. We still have a ways to go, but we are well on the way.

***************************
Rycon just called. Dahlia is staying for observation at the hospital for one night, but she appears to be ok as well. What a blessing!

A hunk of metal can (once again) be replaced, but two very special people could not.

I do not know any more details except Jeremy is very sore and getting worse. I told him it will be a rough week or two, but at least he is alive to move on.

Once again – prayers of thanksgiving; and thank you for your support.

I don’t much like this life – maybe I will shop for a new one this weekend… lol..

*********************************
enough said,
Cajunsis

Home again

I often wonder where home is? How can one's heart be 750 miles away and your home be where your family is? After 27 years, you would think the place you have lived the longest would also become your heart. For me, it is a place to live - a place we have raised a family - and a place I will likely die. Home was when I was young - not the physical home I lived in, but the countryside I woke up to daily. Here, the physical home is my home in a land that is too hot and steamy to enjoy.

Red and I did not even speak most of the entire trip up to Oklahoma - or back unfortunately – 11 hours each way. Well, we spoke politely but that was it. No connection whatsoever. I have not lost hope – we both just have too much on our plates to know even where to start though – and starting on this trip would not have been a good thing – it was not the time or place. It will happen, though – we do love each other and will find our way. There are just too many things going on in the overall picture to deal with this. If we start, I will cry a week. At one point, he asked me where I would like to go in March if we go on a trip. My answer? "I am afraid to hope, I have no vision of the future anymore. Do we have a future?" He was silent.

I am glad to be back - my own little garden; yes, my home away from home. The nights are longer, the garden resting. Tomorrow the children come home.

Cajunsis

Back to the prairies where the fairies were dancing :-)

After the funeral, we went to Red’s mom’s house and I went straight to the hot tub and just sat for over an hour. Rod and mother took us to eat at T-Bones, where we (Red and I) asked Shirley (the owner) to make us each Bourbon steaks – we needed a treat. She came back with the best steaks ever. We drank and dined for over 2 hours, sharing jokes it my in-laws and listening to new ones Shirley came up with. It was so fun and relaxing.

I had called mother last week and asked her to set the tub around 104 degrees for me – my perfect temp and she did it while we were on the phone chatting. Usually, they have it around 110, but that is entirely too hot for me. She didn’t mind turning it down for a few days.

When we got home, I went straight back to the hot tub, opened the windows and sat for another 2 hours. We had a nice cool front and the temp was around 50 degrees – pure Heaven; cool weather/hot tub. I played with the jets and found the ones I liked best (on my feet, calves, lower back and shoulders) and just jelled. At night, I turned on the blue light in the water really low and sat and gazed at the stars – by myself - no one else was silly enough to stay in past 30 minutes. I stayed in until I got too hot, got out, cooled off, and went right back in. Occasionally I went and refilled my drinks. :-)

For the next two days, I spent nearly every waking moment in the hot tub outside in the gazebo. (Is that what it is called? It is enclosed with windows). I was in it at 5:30am and closed it at 12 am… lol… I did get out a few times and go visiting (and I had to shop at the antique store there that is to kill for) – but otherwise I just rested and relaxed. It was such a nice break. Steve and his family caught up and I was able to recollect my thoughts in quiet, peaceful surroundings.

So I wanted you to know, in the midst of this madness I had a great few days and loved having no pressures. It was wonderful!

See? It CAN happen :-)

Cajunsis

A Sad Day - Grandma's Funeral

I sat in the church and looked about us, collecting the view. There are merely 9 family members at grandma's funeral and a handful of ladies from the church - about 14 people total. Of course, she lived in Washington, but she used to live here in Healdton, Ok. The preacher, whom she never met, delivered a wonderful Eulogy about a women he never knew - a woman we never knew.

Ladies from the church came and talked to us about Grandma and it seemed as if they were talking about a lady *I* had never met - even though I had known her and loved her for 27 years. They offered kind words about her, and praises of her sweetness. This? Was it Grandma they referred to? Whatever happened to turn her so bitter towards the world? They honestly knew a wonderful, sweet women - a lady I never saw.

I am sad that I never met the women they knew - I always wanted another grandma to cherish. She never liked me, and I never knew why.

I am ok with that now - I don't understand why she never gave me a chance, but I still loved her. I hope she has finally found peace.

Thank you kind ladies, who introduced me to a lady I had never met - my husband's grandma. I will now remember that she was once a wonderful lady.

Cajunsis

Oklahoma - here we come!

YES! I am off to see the state that I love. Oh how I miss the rolling hills and hardwood trees. My heart is truly in Oklahoma - but my family is here. Have you ever wished you could have the best of both worlds?

We have been contacted and told that Steve's great aunt Bea died as well. I am not sure if we will be going to see her family - but regardless, this is going to be a stressful weekend. Grandma's funeral is tomorrow, and we will stay with my mother in law for the next day. I am looking forward to a non stressful weekend - after the funeral day.

What a garden I will see today :-)

Oklahoma - here we come!

Cajunsis

Busy in the garden today

Wildflower is still here from New York - a bit disappointed that she did not get a choice in how the plea bargin went. She wanted consecutive, Rose chose concurrent. She barely has spoken to her siblings. I am a bit upset with her lack of consideration towards them. She is solely the only person in her life that counts and she lets everyone know it.

We are getting ready to go to Oklahoma tomorrow. Children have to stay with caregivers, and information gathered for the caregivers to be able to get in touch with us. Lots to do, so I am off to do it.

Enjoy the garden today - the weather is beautiful, and fall is here.

Cajunsis

He PLED...

GUILTY!

No trial!

After many pre-trial interviews, discussion, pleas, counter pleas, refusals of acceptance, more discussion – Poison Ivy refusing them all, but Rose was not backing down. She held him at bay and decided today she would start upping his years for if he chose a late plea, not giving allowing him to accept her previous offer. It has been a tough 5 days – for us all. So today, we went in with every intention of Jury selection and trial starting – never considering he would plea.

He saw the line up of witnesses - and bowed under the pressure. He accepted a plea of 20 years – but will have to serve no less than 10. The judge made him say what he is guilty of - every bit of it – they did not make it easy on him our asst DA said. We were in the DA’s office waiting on the jury selection to finish.

He will also be tried in another large city district of similar charges, but because of some logistics, these will be Grand Jury Charges – and the sentence can be death penalty. For now, he is off to the Penitentiary to serve his 10 years. Rose made sure he would have to serve enough for her siblings to be mature and of legal age. She has really thought this through.

Guess he should have been thinking of the other charges – pleaing guilty here will surely not look good for him there. Rose agreed for the sentencing to run concurrent, but I bet he gets more than 10 years for all those other charges he has yet to face – and also there is another girl pressing charges as well – the babysitter! She told us today she is doing it :-) Our attorney thinks the other trial will happen lickety-split since this case did all the leg work. Maybe even before the end of the year.

Lots of hugs at the courthouse – everyone knows us! lol… Now I can cry tears of relief. Funny - I don't feel them yet. I am waiting for the letdown... or maybe I am still preparing for tre funeral and the rest of the week - still a lot to plan. I wanted a "YES! It is over!" ...

We went gator hunting this afternoon... we found about a half a dozen little guys. Guess the big ones were camping out in the swamp. We will try again tomorrow. Wildflower wants her dad to see them.

Thank you all for being so patient with me. We have had a lot of prayers and support and we really appreciate that. Please – don’t forget your prayer of thanksgiving for answered prayers.

Off to do the happy dance - with Rose who truly does feel the relief.

Cajunsis

Meandering thoughts

I woke this morning to meandering thoughts of things that we must accomplish. Orchid is here to help tend the garden this week, but I cannot make sense out what I need to do. I take a few moments to think about the phone conversation with Jasmine yesterday. She has a lot in her garden as well, but her sun seems to be shining much brighter these days. I really enjoyed our chat. Maybe her garden will continue to grow.

I need one quiet day in my garden. Rycon has stirred up trouble in his patch – and does not notice the frenzy at his feet – ants steadily taking pieces of his life away until soon – nothing will be left but rubbish. How does a mom dust them off quickly enough – I am stunned and just stare at the frenzy, too scared to move. I cannot clear the ants in one swipe, so where do I start? How does one help another- that seems perfectly content in his disaster?

Today Wildflower is coming in and I must prepare for the week ahead. I start by putting one foot in front of the other – as I can tell no other way to manage my way though the path. My head is in a fury of activity – yet my heart weeps for what seems to be a path of destruction on my son’s part.

Cajunsis

Danger Zone Ahead...

I woke this morning to meandering thoughts of things that we must accomplish. Orchid is here to help tend the garden this week, but I cannot make sense out what I need to do. I take a few moments to think about the phone conversation with Jasmine yesterday. She has a lot in her garden as well, but her sun seems to be shining much brighter these days. I really enjoyed our chat. Maybe her garden will continue to grow.

My garden is crumbling today. Rycon has stirred up trouble in his patch – and does not notice the frenzy at his feet – ants steadily taking pieces of his life away until soon – nothing will be left but rubbish. How does a mom dust them off quickly enough – I am stunned and just stare at the frenzy, too scared to move. I cannot clear the ants in one swipe, so where do I start? How does one help another- that seems perfectly content in his disaster?

Today Wildflower is coming in and I must prepare for the week ahead. I start by putting one foot in front of the other – as I can tell no other way to manage my way though the path. My head is in a fog of activity – yet my heart weeps for what seems to be a path of destruction.

Cajunsis

WAKE-UP! WAKE-UP!

There are showers to take, shoes to buy, jewelry to pick out – shopping to do!

Oh we must go to the soccer games today? Wow! *Tossing back the curtains and pulling up the blinds…* What a beautiful day to play soccer! Run get dressed so we can play in our garden!

Soccer is such a fun sport and such a nice time of year for it as well! Children scurrying about frantically trying to get the ball in the goal and parents lingering in the garden chatting about the flowers they are nurturing. Days like this just make you want to beg for more – plenty of time for tending the flowers and enjoying the garden God has planted before your very eyes.

Sirens? The keep coming and coming… hundreds of them! Off in the distance, then passing by, then off in the distance again and passing by again. “Lord be with them” is my first thought – then “someone’s life has just changed” immediately follows. Oh WAIT! It is the D.A.R.E. parade! Ahhh, they are changing our lives. LOOK! Over there! A parade in our garden - of a hundred officers saying DARE to look at us – drug free and caring for your children. Be stong.

Our garden was noisy, but how it grows.

We are off to the city to buy homecoming shoes. The week is planned and there is only a moment to do this – so shop we must. I am just doing the necessary chores in the garden today. Orchid is meeting us in the city. She found her way to be here for Monday.

Cajunsis

Pre-Trial Jitters

The garden is a bustle of activity today - all the critters getting ready for the winter. Looking about, it seems like I should be doing the same, but I cannot. The days are getting shorter, the nights are getting longer, and tomorrow never seems to come, but yet it is here already. What is going on? Why can't I see clearly?

Primrose brought back the checkbook and remainder of the troops supplies. Why do parents think it is ok to spend the girl’s money? She did not have troop meetings after the cookie sale, and since she was closing the troop she took it upon herself to use the rest of the money to buy shirts and stuff for them. No amount of discussion would convince her that she needed to return the items she bought and put the money right back in the account. The troop has a zero balance. I turned the issue over to Council. How sad.

We interviewed with the Oak yesterday and she thinks we are ready. Rose had to repeat the sordid details to them and was a bit nervous, but otherwise handled it well. Oak asked if it was possible for Orchid to get here for Monday – from 700 miles away! Gosh, Orchid was coming, but Rose did not want her to hear the details by being in the court room, so she decided not to come. Now I will be calling her today (Friday) to be here Monday. I hope she can come. The reason Oak wants her here is to be able to discount anything she can about Poison Ivy. I called her at the end of the interview and she will try to do it. We will see…

As I walk through my garden today, I see that fall is coming. Leaves are starting to fall all around the paths and scatter about as I browse through the mixture of flowers, plants and trees. How does one begin to start tidying up the mess that was once a beautiful garden? Being overwhelmed, I finally just sit on the bench and watch the leaves scurrying about in useless motion – and enjoy being at peace in my garden. Tomorrow, I will start to gather the debris and tidy up my garden – until then, I will enjoy the bees and butterflies frantically racing to get the last bits of pollen of the season.

Cajunsis

Buckle Up and Hug Your Babies

“Buckle up and hug your babies - tomorrow may never come – tell everyone.” Theresa kept repeating this as she was sobbing into my neck - fingers entwined in my hair. I will never forget those words.

Danny Charles was in the truck with the driver and another friend on Sunday. Tropical Storm Matthew had dumped huge amounts of rain on the area, and they were driving on a highway. The driver lost control, hydroplaned, crashed, and Danny Charles and the driver were thrown from the vehicle – and when it stopped, they were under it. Danny had horrible facial injuries and his artery was severed. He died instantly. The two in the front were not wearing their seat belts, and both lost their lives. The friend in the back was belted in, alive and at the wake visiting with friends. The viewing was open – but it did not even look like Danny Charles. Danny was only 23.

Theresa also kept repeating one other set of words – “they told me I can’t touch my babies face – the make-up will break. Remind me not to touch my babies face. I don’t want it to break. How can I not touch my baby?”

How heart wrenching last night was – I bawled right there with her for 15 minutes. She kept hanging on to me and begging me not to leave. There were literally hundreds of people there. I have never been to a wake with that many people - ever. It was in New Orleans and they had 6 viewing rooms. They closed them all for him.


Today on my agenda:
*10,000 steps before 7:45am
*Dog is going to groomers for the first time ever! I am going to be moral support to Lily :-)
*I have a date to hug my daughter and help her for a bit
*OCS and I have an appt to discuss the future of our garden
*Primrose will be here - read finally - to drop off her Girl Scout checkbook. I had to get stern with her - and I did not want to do that. Being an SUM is tough on its good days
*I have to have Rose at the DA's office at 3pm for pre-trial prep. Rose broke down and sobbed on Tuesday. She does not want to testify against Poison Ivy. She loves him and it hurts - but she also hates his poison. She is strong and resolved, knowing she must save others from the same saga. Pre-trial jitters are ravaging our entire garden.
*My night of escape on TV - I am looking forward to an escape - but no CSI, I cannot handle that today.

I hugged Rycon this morning - even if over the internet. I reminded him to buckle up - and he said, "Mom I always do - you taught me that." I said, "Passionflower taught her children that too. We both brought all of you home in a seatbelt before it was cool - but he didn't have his on. Wear your seatbelt. I love you." He said, "Yes, m'am - but I always do."

My garden continues to grow being nurtured by the petals that have fallen. The new flowers are heavy with blooms waiting to be seen. The sun is rising and today is another day God has given us - let's make the most of it.

"Buckle your belts and hug your babies - tomorrow may never come."

Cajunsis

No rest for the weary

I slept restlessly last night - I hear there is no rest for the weary.

Last night I woke often to think of the how much heartbreak a person must endure. Passionflower has had her share. She married young and had a troubled marriage to say the least. Tulip was her firstborn, born with a cleft lip. She was otherwise beautiful - having red hair and fair complexion. Tulip was born 6 days before cajunrose, my daughter. Passionflower became my closest friend over the next few years and we shared many trying times together. Her hubby's antics, Cajunrose's heart episodes, and Tulip's multiple surgeries to restore her balance. Then Passionflower called and said she was preggy - and we both shared the joy and concern for her family who was still in crisis. The joy of knowing she had another child to love, the concern of what was going on with her hubby and also - was this baby 'normal'. Danny was born with no complications and totally flawless - or so she thought.

Years later, I would go to Passionflower's for an overnight visit, and during the night I heard troubled breathing from Danny's room. I asked Passionflower about it the next day, and she said it was from his chest - it had caved in when he was only 5 - another sort of birth defect. She called Danny in, and - oh the fear I had when I saw the severity of his defect. After questioning her about it, I found out she was 'afraid' to take him in - for he might have to have surgery too. She turned to walk away, and I swear a demon came over me - I kicked her in the backside as hard as I could! Anger and fury over took me - for the safety of her son. I immediately made her go in and call her plastic surgeon (the one that operated on Tulip) and when the appt for Danny was going to be 3 weeks away - I panicked! I grabbed the phone and explained the seriousness of his chest and thank God they worked him right in. I loaded Passionflower, Tulip and Danny into my car and off we went.

The Dr had never seen anyone with this defect as serious as Danny's - and opted to admit him and operate immediately. He barely had one and a half inches between the outside of the rib wall on the front and the outside of the rib wall on his back! How in the world was his heart beating? The Dr said it was a miracle he was alive.

Years have passed, and we laugh about that "swift kick in the last" often. Passionflower has moved on in her life, but life has not been good to her. She was in a car wreck that broke her neck. Several operations and therapy brought back most of her mobility, but she had an anuerism a few years back, and it caused a stroke. She has recovered for the most part from the stroke, but not from her collapsed 1st marriage. Sr took her integrity - and left behind a person afraid to trust. Passionflower has been married 4 times now - and most have been to good decent people. The last husband gave her Belle when she was 40. Belle is as beautiful as a flower when she was born, bringing laughter and happiness once again to Passionflower. I have realized that she simply cannot put faith in any man, so her loves flutter off into the distance - one sitting nearby to come to her aid in a crisis, patiently being there when the need arises, but letting her independence flow. Her true loves are her children.

This weekend she lost one of her true loves - Danny Jr was killed in an auto accident. His petals strewn here and there - in the people he has touched during his 23 year lifetime. His sister, Tulip, looking about for his passion - and seeing only a broken flower scattered about. His mom, trampled in her garden, sees only the devastation the storm has left. The future of her garden is uncertain, but in God's eyes, the flower is blooming on the other side of the fence. The gate is closed, but Passionflower will need to see the latch and reach for it. The gate will easily open for her to enter the secret garden and share its beauty - for it is open at all times for peace and strength.

I talked to Rycon last night - for Danny and Rycon had a lot in common. They shared a passion for life from the time they were little children - though they rarely even saw each other. Both had the same birth defect - but luckily Rycon's is not as serious. Like the restlessness of the leaves in the breeze, they had not yet settled into their own garden. So called Rycon and cried late last night. I told him that no matter where his leaves fall, that I love him and I needed him. He is forever in my garden, and though he flutters from one passion to the next, his endurance amazes me. Comparing my flowers does not often happen, but the colors are so close today - how can I not see the likeness?

Today I have decided to find peace in my church. I will go this morning and work on the Young at Heart Luncheon and discuss with God why this is necessary. He will bring peace to my life for one more day and promises of sunshine in the days ahead. I will pray continuously for strength for Passionflower, Tulip and Belle - for them to see the secret garden in the distance and watch for the sunshine that is sure to come. I will also pray for strength for Red and I as we go to the wake and put our arms around the family to cry with them.

How much pain can one endure? I ask myself everday - and then I glance out into my garden. The petals have fallen, but they nourish the plants that thrive. The petals strewn about are part of my garden, and though they whither, new blossoms await the sunrise. The pain gets lost in the petals and blossoms ~ and suddenly is not so difficult to bear.

The sun is rising - or is it setting?

Cajunsis

A day to forget

OCS came again today. These were the big dogs from the big city. They oversea the local underdogs. I gave them everything they needed in between the tears of frustration and nerves - my garden pots are crumbling - the flowers are wilting.

When they left, I went immediately to the bank - remember Columbus Day? and paid bills, deposited money and came home to do some filing. I have to utilize every corner of my garden with stuff and every moment with something - or there is not enough room for life or time in my day.

I am standing right smack in the middle of my garden - and I twirl around looking for the sunshine to break through the clouds and light my way. In that corner, it is drizzling. Over there - it is hailing, no I cannot go there. I just want a gentle path out. I continue to turn. There is a thunderstorm, and there is - oh gosh, there is a huge hole. The briarpatch is there, and the bees are right there. There is no hope for sunshine or a smooth path to the beach.

I just got a call from an "old time" friend - one of the petals in my life. Her son, Danny, was tragically killed in an automobile accident. He was 23. The petals continue to fall. And the storm engulfs me. I continue to turn. The days get darker and darker.

Welcome to my garden.

Cajunsis

Columbus Day :-)

Did Columbus really discover America? I need to really read up on this...

Why is the Post Office celebrating Columbus Day? What did they have to do with Columbus? Just wondering - I am thinking there was no mail in his day...

The banks... what do they have to do with Columbus Day? Why in the world do they need off? Is there some kind of celebration I am missing?

Do they even know anything about Columbus?

Ok, so if you have failed to figure it out - I missed the fact it was a HOLIDAY!

I sat early in the wee hours of the morning writing checks and diligently making a "to do" list. I went to the bank - it was closed. I went to the Post Office - yeah, it was closed too. I did get to pay the light bill and get groceries (I guess they didn't know about Columbus), but I want a day off, too! I promise to read up on Columbus Day so I can have my break next year!

Oak wasn't off - or if she was, she called from the Court House to let us know that they were working on Wildflower's plane tickets and hotel room. She also spoke with me about the general state of affairs and just how furious poison ivy made her. He is such a... oh, maybe I cannot say that here.. Ok, he is poison ivy and spitting venom from the snakes that he harbors. God is working with me - I promise. Even God loves snakes and poison ivy - but he Has yet to convince me they have a place in my garden!

Off to read up on Columbus!

Cajunsis

PS: I got to walk with the Princess 1 block to the store and 1 block back. Miss independent would not let me carry her - but she insisted on carrying her groceries (1 potato) home in her bag. Oh how I love the princess! We strolled casually to and from the store. She heard dogs in her garden, and we chatted about doggies for a good part of the trip - her pausing to listen to their banter and telling me all about it. She lights up my garden every time I see her. Thank you God, Steph and Todd for taking me on this walk.

Cajunsis

*sigh*

I feel horrible. I bled all day yesterday - but after the initial bleed though, it was not as bad. I figure if I had worst case scenario last time, then I knew that I still had tons of blood to loose before - well - you know. Ok, so I was hoping. But, I did pray my way (and psych myself) once again through this crisis. If you prayed too, thanks - it worked! We did it! No blood this morning, but I feel really rotten. I am going to rest all day and try to regain my strength for the weeks ahead.

Church. Oh my goodness. I wish I had an answer for that. Brother Foxglove gave me a visual that I can use to help figure out where I belong. I rephrased it a bit but it is the same jist. We are all like a huge potato vine. There are clumps of us on the root; the Methodist Church's here, the Baptist's ones there - and over there are the Episcopalian's. (Did you see that Lily?) If you pick up the top part of the vine, you have all God's children in one hand - but looking down, there are lots of potatoes scattered about. Which potato is the right one to pick? I have been going to the Methodist Church for years - not because I am Methodist but because I am comfortable there. I was raised in a Christian Church and went to a Baptist when I started going on my own as a teen.

Originally, I started in this Methodist Church because we were new in town and my new friend invited me. The glove fit so I wore it. The glove is no longer fitting me well, but it is still comfortable. I feel it is a dying church (not all Methodist's - just this one) because there is a wisteria vine overtaking the potato, yet I am comfortable. I don't have to look for new colors, I don't have to shop - and you know how much I hate shopping, and I don't have to decide if I want leather or cloth. So I just continue with those tight fitting gloves dreaming of owning a new pair. When will I go shopping? Do I still like comfortable? Wisteria vines are beautiful, but eventually they choke out all that try to thrive... leaving... the wisteria vine. Why can't the other plants thrive in the same garden? Why does the wisteria seem to enjoy the other flowers lack of perserverence?

Ahh, the phone beckons...

"The Princess is coming! The Princess is coming!" Oh, how I need to see her. She puts the sunshine in my garden and brings all the rays with her - her mommy and daddy when he is home; and her uncle comes to see her as well - and then my day is complete :-) We bbq in the garden every Sunday, and when we do, I feel like I am home again. It is family day and we are a unit once again.

I was thinking everything in my garden is for a reason. Remember when I said that I couldn't go to LINKS? I guess God knows just what he is doing doesn't he? I am sure He saved my life by "insisting" I stay home by not providing respite care for me. He knew I needed healing time and He gave it to me in His own divine way. And I wouldn't have seen the Princess and her sunshiny rays either. Yes, the garden is beautiful today - and I am alive to browse through it.

Awww... look at the blooms :-) Maybe I am feeling better.

Cajunsis

Looking through rose colored glasses

Today is not a good day for me. I was up almost all night with irritable bowel syndrome. They say this is from stress. I have STRESS? lol...

I was invited by Lily (remember my rock?) and her daughter Sunflower to lunch at my all time favorite mexican restaraunt. We went and I ordered lightly - remember I am on a diet. I did not eat many chips - and very little of my meal. I figured since I had been dieting, it was not setting well with my tummy - and I had been up all night with IBS. Anyway, I did not feel quite right, but I really enjoyed the company :-)

I have bleeding ulcers and just after lunch I started bleeding again. It was a horrible gush of what looked like tons of blood. I know it wasn't, but it wasn't just a little bit either. I have bleeds several times a year, but last time it was this bad - I nearly bled to death - literally. I am terrified! I keep telling myself I can psych myself into not bleeding, but I am not really that confident.

What will the kids do without me if I go into the hospital? Havoc wreaked last time I went in, and Red lost it - he has no tolerance for my life. I keep telling myself it could be many other things that cause bleeding - but then Red reminded me that they are not good choices either. I will pray, ask for prayers - and I will stop this flow with sheer will power and prayers. The glasses are not rose color - they are ruby today.

Off to lay on the hammock in my garden and put my feet up.
If you are so inclined, please say a prayer for my healing.

Cajunsis

Our garden is wet today

Unfortunately, the garden is very wet today, but it will do worlds for my blooms. I always try to look on the bright side of the rainbow, but it is often difficult these days. Matthew became a depression yesterday, and has rained himself silly for 3 days. Lily and I knew that he was a depression and discussed it for days, before the weather service decided to finally take the honor. Oh, what Lily and I could tell them!

Today all the soccer games have been cancelled. Oh, darn! We don't have to go sit in the hot sun and watch the ball go round and round in the garden. Instead, I will enjoy the raindrops pitter pattering on the outside window sill and watch the lazy day go by. Rain is good for the soul - and for the garden as well.

LINKS weekend is a totally fun weekend - for Girl Scout leaders only - at an awesome camp about 2 1/2 hours from here. I was supposed to go to LINKS weekend yesterday, but alas, my family's social worker had difficulties finding respite care. Surprise! Surprise! I totally wasted $37.00 for them not allow me to go because of difficulties placing the children. I am, of course, disappointed as I really needed the break.

It would have been a fun weekend, but maybe it just meant I needed to stay at home and nurture my family - in particular my hubby. He and I are going through trying times right now, and though I feel certain we will make it, a bit of nurturing will go a long way. Gardens always need nurturing, don't they? Lily is the only one that knew I really wanted to go, and she thought the whole respite ordeal stunk right along with me. What a friend I have in Lily!

Let me tell you a bit about Lily. I named her so because of the constant peace that she brings me - so she has become my peace lily - supplying constant strength and peace in my weak moments. Lily has stood by me through thick and thin, and everytime I needed a shoulder to lean on, Lily has been right there. We have become quite close, sharing our marvels of new growth, picking the little bugs out of our lives, and chatting about new blossoms in the garden. I am so thankful that Lily has chosen me to be her friend. Can a garden have a Peace Lily growing in a Rock of Gibraltar? She would be mine.

Today is beginning - and I am off to listen to those pitters of rain and chat with Red. I will spend today enjoying my good fortune and his nature, and just maybe I will lap up some of his strength.

Cajunsis

Meeting day

Today is my Service Unit Meeting. Gosh, I have a lot to do! I am not prepared, have no desire to get prepared and cannot let anyone know what they need to do (Lily offered) because I simply cannot put it all together.

Disappointment today is huge. I really want to go to LINKS weekend, but I can't.

The biggest reason is - #1: Foster care. They have no desire to find respite care for us - or in this case - me.

Reason #2: Petunia cannot go either. She has her daughter this weekend, and I think she needed to see a meeting through and visit with her co-leader. I was so looking forward to this weekend. I need the break to clear the cobwebs in my garden.

Reason #3: I cannot leave my husband. I simply do not want to be independent from him right now. Am I afraid my time is limited with him? I try to find time to be with just him, but he has no desire to be with just me. He does not want to go out and take a half of day just for us, and I cannot make myself beg any more. Either he wants us - or my greatest fear - he doesn't. I am afraid of the answers - but I sit here next to him and just soak in his presence. I love him so much and hope I have not spread the garden so thin it cannot recover.

I talked with Brother Foxglove today. He is awesome. He said sometimes God puts flowers in His garden for us to nourish them so they can go to other homes and make the garden grow more beautiful there. Sometimes a flower is temporary in your own garden - but it continues to bloom on the other side of the fence. God may be using our garden to give the flowers strength and strong roots to grow in the next one. I will keep weeding and planting seeds for the future gardeners and hand in hand I will walk the path God has chosen for us. Maybe flowers do bloom on the other side of the fence - or is it a gate? Gates open and close... Is it ready to open to show its blooms? We will see...

Oak called today - she is getting us ready for the trial in a week and a half. Gosh does that scare me? Yes! She is giving us life - by getting this behind us, we can move on into our future. Strong winds may twist the trunk, but endurance makes the tree tall and proud - and it whithers dozens of hurricanes in the process. Our hurricanes continue to come, but don't oak trees have enough strength to endure the storms? I hope ours does.

I have to get ready for the Unit Meeting - maybe I can pull it off. Can I do it? YES I CAN! Oh! That is Bob the Builder - not Martha the gardener... lol

Off to weed the garden...

Cajunsis

Drippy Days

Today is a very drippy day. It started raining last night and has not let up - but it is a nice soft rain that will soak right in and water all the garden quite nicely. I like drippy days - they are good for me to recollect my thoughts - even if I am on the road. Living in our area, rainy days are often common - especially in the winter. Though it is fall now, rain still is common - especially with storms in the gulf brewing. Iris and I see a blob in the gulf and watch with a weary eye.

I have an appointment with Brother Foxglove today. I really feel very depressed about the whole family situation, and maybe he can help me see what God really wants me to do. I feel like I have done the only thing I could do. I love glancing about the garden and admiring the view when I have time, but Red thinks it is time to trim the vines away that are choking us. He thinks the vines are beautiful, but given too much area, they choke out the rest of the view - and in all honesty, I am being choked by all the feeders that the vines require. I love them, don't get me wrong, but vines will be vines and with time they take over the world. Brother Foxglove may be able to put the garden in perspective again, and maybe I will be able to nurture once and for all.

I have a Girl Scout Service Unit meeting again tomorrow. Where oh where is the time to nurture this part of my garden? I keep thinking I will have to replace it with more self-sufficient plants, but I cannot find any that will fill the area as nicely as these do. I have met Lily here, and Jasmine, and Petunia and... well I could go on and on. Friends truly grow in this part of my garden. I feel like the very veins of my life flow with nurishment every time I help a child by helping their leaders. I love tending to this part of my garden even if I seldom have time. I will find a way to get ready to host the meeting and make the garden grow. Will I eventually have to let this part go? Life and sunshine will lead the way - and I will follow.

Off to meet Brother Foxglove - wish me love, understanding and patience. I am weepy already - though I stay that way a lot lately.

cajunsis

Good Morning Beautiful

~~ Beauty of a Woman ~~

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,

Because that is the doorway to her heart;

The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,

But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,

The passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman

With time, only grows

The Petals

Let me introduce you to the petals in my garden; Red is my hubby of 27 years. He is not actually a petal, but a knight riding through the garden. He has and always will be my knight - my escape from the world around me. I love him with all of my heart. Cajunrose, my firstborn, is 25 and an awesome mother to our 16 month old grandaughter, "the Princess". My son, Rycon, is 21, and going to college - for... Well, 2 weeks ago it was Computer Science, last week English major (he is an awesome writer), and this week... well, who knows. He is creating the intricate paths in my garden with his creativity.

I have more petals in my meandering garden. We are "down" to three foster children; but all four are in my heart and garden forever. Meet Wildflower, my 18 year old "former foster" niece, our 15 year old Rose, our 13 year old Violet, and the golden Marigold foster nephew of 12. The children came to us in a frantic gust, but have settled into a gentle breeze with occasional thunderstoms - all vital for my garden to grow.

I am a writer. I have always loved making words come to life, and by doing so bringing you into my life to share our garden. I meander though the paths that life has given me, often wondering what would have happened if I had taken one more traveled. I invaribly come back to the same decision. These paths have opened to me for a reason, and though I don't see it now, someday the secret will be revealed. God has given me so many places to pause and enjoy the view that I no longer feel the need to know His secret. It is no longer a passion to know the answers, but a mystical dream of "someday" there will be a new path. Until then, I will continue to meander through the flowers and enjoy the petals that grace my garden.

Do you have time to share my garden?
Cajunsis

Sitting at His feet

This morning I went to the church to set up the tables for Young at Heart. A long lost friend is in charge of mailto:Y@H, and I felt led to help her out and get the fellowship hall ready for the luncheon so she would be surprised that it was done. I love doing things like that for people and disappearing before they have anyone to thank. Well the surprise was on me - it was already done - complete with fall centerpieces just like I planned!

So I took the next hour and sat with God and chatted about everything going on in our life and made sure He was up to date on everything. God listened patiently making no comment, and when I was done I started tidying the sanctuary. This is another garden of my life, and I realized that I am just as responsible as the next gardener for its survival. It is my home and I must really take time to tend to this garden. Brother Foxglove came in, and we chatted, I cried, he prayed and we chatted some more. He is such a wonderful supporter. I really needed his prayers this morning.

When I was finished, I went into the kitchen to make tea for the luncheon and (remember my long lost friend?) Magnolia came in complimented the hall. She was concerned because she was running late - and elated I had it done already. I started laughing and told her I didn't do it, and if she didn't do it - then who did? It could have been Tearose, but whoever it was sure blessed us both - and did it perfectly.

The prayer group was meeting and asked for an update. After listening to my novel in between sniffles, they all surrounded me and blessed me with their prayers. Oh, how my garden grows! I love my garden no matter what the day. I am blessed.

Cajunsis